Cultivating Your Inner Witness

In Carly Simon’s hit “You’re So Vain” (now I’m really dating myself), the speaker sings to her narcissistic lover: “You had one eye in the mirror as you watched yourself gavotte.” Based on the lyrics, he was one self-absorbed cat.
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That example notwithstanding, there's a certain kind of self-observation that is super-useful as you gavotte through life. It’s what we call the witness consciousness.⁣
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I wrote recently about the importance of holding yourself “in your own embrace” when you’re going through something hard. That in itself is a form of witness consciousness: you not only go through the experience, but you also observe yourself going through it (in this case, with tenderness).
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Witnessing allows you to get in touch with your more expansive self that is beyond your immediate situation. It can be especially helpful when you're in an uncomfortable, aversive state, like anxiety. Instead of allowing your entire attention to be taken over by the stressful experience, you put it in a container and name it: “Chris is feeling anxious” or, more simply, “Anxiety.”⁣
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The act of naming reinforces that the difficult experience is just one fleeting part of you. You are bigger/wider/more enduring than it. It wasn't always there, and it won't always be there. It will end, and you will keep going.⁣
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Put another way, witnessing allows you to stop *identifying* with your experience. Who you are and what you’re going through are not the same thing. ⁣
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Recognizing this distinction is one of the common goals of meditation. In fact, meditators often use witnessing and naming to bring themselves back around when they notice that they are distracted—“worrying,” “daydreaming,” “itching.”⁣
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Now, I think there are times when it may be useful and preferable to identify with your experience as completely as possible. During passionate lovemaking, for example. You don't necessarily want to be on the sidelines watching yourself. ⁣
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But I think it's really helpful to have this tool and capacity available to you whenever you need it.⁣
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I even find it useful when I'm doing something much less traumatic, like getting into a chilly swimming pool (I am TOTALLY a baby about that). Rather than letting my whole being get overwhelmed by the shock of the cold water, I notice myself feeling it and I get in touch with the part that knows that this will pass (you know, once the hypothermia sets in): “Chris is feeling freakin cold right now.” ⁣
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The act of naming is useful even if you do it dispassionately or matter-of-factly. BUT, if you can bring compassion and tenderness to the witnessing, that turbocharges the whole enterprise. ⁣
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As a coach with a bent towards healing work, a lot of what I do is to serve as a compassionate and trustworthy witness to other people’s suffering. To let them know that they’re not alone. If you can muster that kind of regard for yourself, you can play an active role in your own healing. ⁣
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Because when you do that, you’re not just witnessing, you’re loving. And love is potent balm for our wounded bodies and spirits.