I was once helping a CEO navigate a significant transition in their organization. As part of the process, we asked employees to respond to an anonymous survey.
Some of the feedback was quite frank. But that’s what we had wanted and encouraged, and I admired this leader for their willingness to lean into the hard parts. I compiled the responses into a briefing and gave it to them on a Friday afternoon. I wanted them to have the weekend to process it before walking back into the office on Monday morning.
I urged them to take time to move through the information and let it move through them. Feel the anger, the indignation, the sadness, the sense of defeat. Do whatever they needed to do: go for a long walk (or a frenzied run), punch a pillow, drive to a deserted spot to yell, lock their bedroom door and shed some tears.
“Don’t worry,” they responded. “I’m tougher than you think.”
“Oh, I know you're tough,” I replied. “I’ve seen that you can power through pretty much anything. But I'm giving you a permission slip to be messy and vulnerable. If anything decides it wants to come up, let it come up. Don't try to manage it at this stage. Owning and letting that energy out will make it easier to stay more centered and more focused on your people next week.”
“Guess what?” I continued. “You get to be *both* an accomplished CEO and a whole, complicated person. Yahtzee!”
It’s so important to feel your feelings. There’s a real benefit in recognizing, acknowledging, and being with them as they are. After that, you can strategize how to channel them most effectively.
But denying them to yourself isn’t going to help anyone, because they WILL find a way out. They will leach out of you and onto others when you get triggered, in all manner of active and passive aggressions.
Shame is especially insidious, and it can be super strong when you’re in a position of authority and feeling the burden of visibility. Particularly if you’ve bought into the problematic idea that you’re supposed to have it all together—that you’re supposed to be beyond pesky annoyances like feelings.
If you cut your feelings off at the knees, and don’t admit them even to yourself—especially hurts—you never really see them. Which means you never see a part of yourself—likely a very tender and hurting part, at that. And seeing them is the first step to dealing with them in a way that will help you and those who depend on you.
The world needs more leaders who are in touch with their own humanity. (This includes CEOs, managers, parents, teachers, pastors, politicians, and even life coaches.) The compassion and grace you show to yourself will cascade and have impacts throughout the entire organization. And, unfortunately, it works the same way with bitterness and self-judgment.
As Brene Brown reminds us, this life project is not about BEING right. It’s about 𝙜𝙚𝙩𝙩𝙞𝙣𝙜 it right, and the getting can be messy and awkward. No matter what level you play at, there’s a lot to learn, and it takes practice.
So, whoever and wherever you are, here is *your* permission slip to be a whole, complicated, feeling, soaring, stumbling, still-figuring-it-out person.
