On yourself, that is.
When you feel that panic rising in you—Did I buy enough? Will I be able to pay my bills? Am I taking care of my people properly? Am I doing pandemic correctly?—it’s probably not just about the coronavirus.
Big events like this stir Your Stuff. Besides the biological / evolutionary imperatives that get activated to protect yourself and your tribe, things in your attic and basement get knocked around. Old boxes of hurts and fears and slights and trauma get jostled and long-hidden contents spill out, right there in the toilet paper aisle of the grocery store.
Even if you’ve done a lot of work on yourself and the water in your pond is generally pretty clear, events like this tend to stir up some of that bygone residue on the bottom.
That’s been true for me. For instance, the other day, I got into an uncomfortable and completely unnecessary confrontation with someone in my neighborhood.
“DON’T TURN THE CAR AROUND, DON’T ROLL DOWN THE WINDOW, DON’T OPEN YOUR MOUTH“ my better judgment screamed at me as I turned the car around, rolled down the window, and opened my mouth to start something. Without going into specifics, I was in a heightened anxious state and my old stuff about Doing it Right and avoiding judgment got pinged.
And afterwards—this was the sign to me of my progress—I was extraordinarily gentle with myself. Even though I felt mostly responsible for the fracas. I even stopped the car and made a conscious choice to laugh about it.
I intuited that the best possible way to ease out of it next time was to be easy with myself right now. To break the trance that something huge was at stake, and not to up the ante and my anxiety through extended self-flagellation. (Hmmm. That always sounds kind of dirty, doesn’t it?)
And it worked. This morning I unexpectedly ran into the same neighbor in close quarters and I immediately and quietly sent them love and grace. I also trusted my instinct that it was better for us not to dialogue—yet. I still have some work to do, and this person has a pro-level passive aggression game.
Feeling that spin? Is the anxiety building? Tears welling? Take a moment to note it. You don’t even have to analyze it. “Churning.” “Feeling afraid.” "Getting sad."
The very act of pausing and naming it helps. It begins the process of dis-identifying with your panic (or other strong emotion) and connecting with the larger part of you that is more than this emergency.
The more you can flow into the witness position, the lighter the hold anxiety will have on you. Don’t get anxious about being anxious.
And as you get more attuned to your inner workings, you’ll be able to give it a more descriptive name: “Afraid of losing my house.” “Worried my parents were right and I’m a screw-up.” “Freaking out about the 401K and my retirement.” That then becomes the ground for fruitful self-inquiry.
And, if at times your attempts are for naught and you melt down or ugly cry or lose your Schlitz, gently name that, too. Give yourself an extra big helping of self-compassion.
Remember that (1) there’s a lot going on, both outside and inside, and (2) there’s a lot more to you than your fire-breathing, shoulders-tensing, snot-dripping fit. And then let that Schlitz go.
Seriously. There’s much better beer to stockpile.
