I threw my notebook across the room and announced loudly, “Well, I guess that’s just MORE proof of what I f#$k-up I am.” And I stormed out to another part of the house.
The proximate cause? A very simple (and completely appropriate) observation from my partner, related to a near-term goal that was important to me. He said something along the lines of “You probably better reach out to some folks soon if you want help with this project.” The delivery was quite innocent, completely snark-free, and 100% on point. (I mean, How dare he?!?)
But, of course, my response wasn’t about the message or the messenger. This was all about the receiver--me.
Lately, I have been working hard on a REALLY radical proposition. I’ve been trying to anchor--at a visceral, practical, actionable level--the outrageous idea that my worth / value / lovableness have nothing to do with my performance, my mood, my clothing choices, the skillful delivery of a particular joke, the nodding approval of others, or even (gasp) the number of likes on a FB post.
That it’s non-negotiable. It’s not Even. On. The. Table.
I’ve had ample reassurance over the years that this is the case, from sources on both sides of the veil. But I’ve never *really* owned it. Instead, I’ve treated it like an inspirational plaque that I keep on my desk and dust off every once in a while, but don’t even notice anymore.
I have been making this a priority of late. Frankly, I’ve been amazed at how it has lifted my spirit and made things a lot easier. Life just kinda flows. I’ve been oozing the milk of human kindness and self-compassion.
Until now. This was the first real bump, the first real hard thing, and the most petulant and reactive response I’d had. It wasn’t pretty.
Back to my stormy exit. I stomped into the den and settled into the overstuffed chair in the corner. Soft nowhere music drifted from the Sonos speaker next to me. And as I sank into the chair, I heard the words distinctly: “EVEN NOW.”
I relaxed and smiled. For this to work, I had to apply it when it’s hard, not just when it’s easy. When I’m at my l.e.a.s.t. lovable.
EVEN NOW. I knew right away that it had the makings of a new mantra. Wait, what was that? Ah, one tweak.
*ESPECIALLY* NOW.
